Technical Jokes and Cartoons-77

Dad Jokes

My doctor told me I’m going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.

Social distancing has been very stressful for the Flat Earth Society
They fear such messages will push someone over the edge.

People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.

I arrived early at the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said, “no.”
Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A realist sees a freight train.
The train engineer sees three idiots standing on the track.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.

My GPS just told me to turn around.
Now I can’t see where I’m driving.

I told my son he shouldn’t listen to losers
Now he won’t talk to me

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Shel Silverstein

The ham’s on your pillow,
The egg’s in your sheet,
The bran muffin’s rollin”
Down under your feet,
There’s milk in the mattress
And juice on the spread –
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.

Two older women, Marie & Edith, were driving. Neither could see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

Edith, in the passenger seat, thought to herself: “I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through.

She turned to Marie and said: “Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Marie turned to her and said: “Oh, am I driving?”

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Advice To a Graduating Class

from Baz Luhrmann.

This is an excerpt from “Everybody’s Free (to wear sunscreen)“

Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; or never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
Never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindsides you at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.

Some Science Jokes

Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?
A burger is in its ground state.

I have a new theory on inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
You may have graduated, but I’ve got many degrees.

Einstein developed a theory about space.
It was about time too.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, “Is this stool taken?”

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

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