On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? ‘Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. ‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at some false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
I plead contemporary insanity. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I am out of my mind, but I’ll be back in five minutes.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are still missing.
New Rules for golf:
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place on a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Did you hear the news? The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery.
Our thanks to Peter Grosskopf, from VideoTec and Dave Grossman for contributing many of these jokes. If you know of any better ones, just send them to me. I’ll even give you credit.