I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Rebecca was driving home from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the trip, Rebecca tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Rebecca.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Rebecca looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll become your girlfriend.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll become your wife.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, “What is the matter? I’m a beautiful princess.
Why won`t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m a busy engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
The barber puts a dollar banknote in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That child never learns!’ Two hours later the customer sees the same young boy coming out of the candy shop.
‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar banknote?’ The boy licked his candy and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Some Good Advice
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
Piping Specifications (The government version)
- All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.
- All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than
- The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) – otherwise, the hole will be on the outside of said pipe.
- All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
- All pipe should be supplied without rust – This can be more readily applied at the job site. Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.
- All pipe over 500 feet (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.
- Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words “very long pipe” painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.
- All pipe over 6” (152 mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
- Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
- When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise, you will end up going the wrong way.
- Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill, or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
- All couplings should have either right hand or left-hand thread, but do not mix the threads – otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.
Hope you like these jokes. Many were contributed by Dave Grossman. If you know of some good jokes, please contribute.