When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.
Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Pavlov is sitting in a bar enjoying a beer when the phone rings. He jumps up and shouts, “Oh my, I forgot to feed the dog!”
There are two types of people in the world.
Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data, and …
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky’s the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
The local bandstand was struck by lightning yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Two blood cells met and fell in love.
Alas, it was all in vein.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements…
Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.
A father was walking past his son’s bedroom one day and happened to look in.
He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’
Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:
It is with great regret and sadness that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Susie and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion. Dad, she’s pregnant.
Don’t worry though, Susie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Susie has also opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Susie can get better. She deserves it.
Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your son Tim.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jimmy’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card …
That’s in my desk drawer.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.” “Yep,” replies the duck. “And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“Yep again”, says the duck, “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?” “Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?” “I’m working on the building site across the road, “explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.” So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.” “I’m always looking for the next job,” Says the duck. “Where is it?” “At the circus,” Says the barman. “The circus?” Repeats the duck. “That’s right,” replies the barman. “The circus?” The duck asks again, “with the big tent?” “Yeah,” the barman replies. “With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies. “And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck. “That’s right!” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement and says ……. “What in the world would they want with a plasterer?”
If you know any good jokes please send them to me. Thanks.