A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?!”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” demanded his parents. “We know darn well what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
So the parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!? And to a kid?!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness,” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on!”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. He said he was on a business trip, but I’d learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
What did the Sodium say to Chlorine?
I’ve got my ion you.
Chemistry is like cooking.
Just don’t lick the spoon
If it’s green and wiggles, it’s Biology.
If it stinks, it’s Chemistry
If it’s imaginary, it Physics.
How can you spot a chemist in the bathroom?
They wash their hands before they use the toilet.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon.
Makes you damned proud to be an American!
A jockey is about to enter a race on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and gives him some final instructions. “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins, and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, instead of yelling, he whispers “Aleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, “It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,” and yells, “ALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me – it’s this bloody horse. What is he – deaf or something?”
The trainer replies, “Deaf? Deaf?! He’s not deaf. He’s blind!”
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent comes up to him and says, “We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replies, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.” As he points at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snaps at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!” With this he pulls out his badge and shoves it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugs this off and continues with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he hears a loud scream from the field he pointed out earlier. Suddenly he sees the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels. The rancher rushes to the fence and yells “Your badge! Show him your badge!”
The new CEO of a company comes into work determined to turn things around. Trying to prove himself to his new employees he looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, “What do you think you’re doing?”
The man replies, “I’m just killing time, waiting to get paid.”
The CEO is furious, “What do you make a week?”
The man tells him, “About $200 a week.”
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hand the man $400 and says, “There’s your two weeks, now get out of here!” After the man leaves he turns to his employees and asks, “What do you think about that?”
One of the employees stands up and says, “I think he just got the largest tip he’s ever gotten on a single pizza.”
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