There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx
Rebecca was driving home from one of her business trips in New Mexico when she saw an old Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the old Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the trip, Rebecca tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a black leather bag on the seat next to Rebecca.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Rebecca looked down at the leather bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman was silent for a few seconds. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”
An engineer was taking a walk when a frog spoke to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll become your girlfriend.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
The frog spoke again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll become your wife.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket again, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog said, “What is the matter? I’m a beautiful princess.
Why won`t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m a busy engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend or a wife, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
A little boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, ‘This is the most foolish child in the world. Watch me. I prove it to you.’
The barber puts a dollar banknote in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That child never learns!’ Two hours later the customer sees the same young boy coming out of the candy shop.
‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar banknote?’ The boy licked his candy and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
Hope you like these jokes. Many were contributed by Dave Grossman. If you know of some good jokes, please contribute.
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