I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
Here is some advice from Phyllis Diller (a comedian from many years ago):
Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
The reason why most women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never want to wear the same outfit in public.
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford, then I want to move in with them.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. But fortunately, this is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Some Puns:
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
These are discussions heard in court
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty -year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
The Explanation of Quantum Theory:
So the veterinarian comes out in the waiting room and says, “Mr Schrodinger, I have good news and bad news about your cat.”
Quantum theory is complicated but may prove helpful when you are at a party and run out of conversation. If you are only interested in the jokes and cartoons and would rather not think about anything scientific, please skip to the next set of jokes.
Schrodinger was a physicist who provided a thought experiment to describe a quantum mechanics theory developed by Albert Einstein, Boris Yakovlevich Podolsky, and Nathan Rosen in 1935. Schrodinger described a hypothetical cat that may be simultaneously both alive and dead. The cat is in a steel chamber along with a special device that may kill the cat, or not. After one hour of waiting, one can imagine that the cat still lives, but there is also an equal probability that the cat is also dead. That’s why the nurse had good news and bad news.
Back to the jokes
A man walks into a New York bank and asks for a $1,000 loan for a month-long trip to Asia. The loan officer tells him “You are going to need some collateral if you want a loan.”
The man tells him “I’ll leave my Rolls Royce, it’s worth $200,000.” The bank accepts the security and laughs at him for leaving such an expensive car for such a small loan.
When he comes back from his trip he goes to the bank and repays his loan plus interest, coming to $1,020. The bank manager smirks at him and asks “We know you are a millionaire, why would you get such a small loan and use such an expensive car for collateral?”
The man looks at him and smiles “Where else can I park my car in the city for a month for $20?”
A church puts out a wanted ad for somebody to ring their bell each day. A man with no arms replies to the want ad. The priest asks him “How can you ring a bell with no arms?”
The man runs into the bell face first and the bell rings loud and beautifully. The priest gives him the job. One day he misses the bell though and falls to his death. The priest and several other people come to the man’s side and one of them says “Who is he?”
The priest replies “I don’t know. But his face sure rings a bell.”
A grandmother has just moved into a new apartment. She calls her grandson and suggests that he come over to see her pretty apartment. Her grandson asks, “I would love to come visit, but where do you live?” The grandmother tells her grandson, “I live on 1486 Eighty-sixth street. Once you get to the building open the door with your elbows. Once you get to the elevator hit the up button with your elbow. I’m on the third floor so you’re going to have to hit the number 3 on the elevator with your elbow. Then once you get off I’m the first to the left, just hit the doorbell with your elbow.”
The grandson replies, “That sounds easy enough, but why with my elbows?”
The grandmother says, “What? … you’re coming empty-handed?”
Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.
Miss Jones said, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?”
A little boy in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!
A Computer Poem:
I think that I shall never see a computer made like me.
A me that wears an overcoat
And likes a risky anecdote.
A me that taps his foot and grins
whenever Dixieland begins.
A me that likes martinis dry,
And on the rocks a little rye.
They make computers for a fee,
But only moms can make a me.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes. We thank Dave Grossman and Ellyn Goldstein for their contributions. Contact me if you have any good jokes. Thanks.
Regarding all these jokes and cartoons, no copyright infringement is intended. The content is only for your enjoyment.