A guy is late for an important meeting, but he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. “Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!” A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. “Never mind. Found one!”
Jokes from Old Comedians
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!”
“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!”
A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!”
“Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.” “Don’t answer!”
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says, “Okay, let’s get started.”
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, “Huh. I lost 100 pounds!”
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!
I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago. I shot my broker
I sent the club a message stating, “Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.”
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can’t reuse time.
In programming: Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
What do you call two dinosaurs that have been in an accident? Tyrannosaurus wrecks
Teamwork is essential, it means you can always blame someone else.
What did the receiver say to the radio wave? Ouch! That megahertz.
How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocado’s number.
The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.
Q: What’s the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are all given identical rubber balls and told to find the volume. They are given anything they want to measure it and have all the time they need.
The mathematician pulls out a measuring tape and records the circumference. He then divides by two times pi to get the radius, cubes that, multiplies by pi again, and then multiplies by four-thirds and thereby calculates the volume.
The physicist gets a bucket of water, places 1.00000 gallons of water in the bucket, drops in the ball, and measures the displacement to six significant figures.
And the engineer? He writes down the serial number of the ball and looks it up.
Anatomy of Film
What We Learn from the Movies:
- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
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