Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.” “I’m sure you’re right” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper: “tell me, how much did it really cost?” “All of it” said Rose. “50,000.” “No!” Sadie exclaimed.” I mean, it was very nice, but really…….$50,000?” Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The food and drinks for another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone.”
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car are astronomical.”
‘Big John’ rides into town. He ties his horse up outside the saloon, fires six rounds into the air, boots the doors almost off their hinges, and in he goes.
Paddy says to Mick, –I found this pen, is it yours? Mick replies: –Don’t know, give it here. He then tries it and says, –Yes, it is! Paddy asks: –How do you know? Mick replies:
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.
Every day at lunchtime, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food.”
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.” He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why they guard it. “We don’t know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!” He searched for the last commander’s phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards on this particular bench.
When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of an emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”. I said, “Well, my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what’s real from what’s not.” They then asked, “And your strengths?” I said, “I’m Batman.”
