Comments from George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Reflections of Steven Wright
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
I stayed up one-night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Thoughts from Ellen Degeneres
In the beginning, there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course, it is possible there was no one on the other line. Once she said “God Bless you” I said, “I didn’t sneeze.”
She looked deep into my eyes and said, “You will, eventually.” And damn it if she wasn’t right. Two days later I sneezed.
I have just learned that penguins are monogamous for life, which doesn’t really surprise me all that much because they all look exactly alike. It’s not like they’re going to meet a better-looking penguin someday.
Comments from Woody Allen
I don’t believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
And more silly puns:
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A: Because they’re always stuffed.
Q: Why are frogs are so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
Q: How do you befriend a squirrel?
A: Just act like a nut.
Q: What do you call a snowman on a hot day?
A geneticist perfected his greatest project: a perfect clone of himself; an utter copy with no noticeable differences in appearance. Having finished his work, he decided to use the clone as his replacement at work. The clone went to work while the geneticist went on vacation. Within days, reports came back from his friends about the bizarre behavior of his doppelganger. The duplicate had cussed out the boss and his receptionist and behaved in a very outrageous manner. The geneticist was terrified and took the next plane back to the States. He confronted the clone in their twentieth story office and braving a three-minute uninterrupted litany of expletives, pushed the unreasonable double out the window, where he fell to his death.
The police arrived, and once the situation was explained, the geneticist laughed, disbelieving any statute covered the destruction of one’s genetic clone. After interviewing all concerned parties, the geneticist was arrested. The charge?
Making an obscene clone fall.
I hope you enjoyed these cartoons and jokes.