Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.
“Hello,” says Saint Peter. “I suppose you’d like to get into Heaven!”
“Yes, we would,” says the first musician, a band director.
“Well, there’s just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession,” says Saint Peter.
“OK,” says the band director, “I’m ready.”
“How do you tune your band?” asks Saint Peter.
My wife and I went to the restaurant for the first time in ages. The Waiter said, “I am sorry, but we are so busy tonight.” Would you mind waiting for a bit?” I said, “No problem.” He said, “Good, now take these drinks to table 7.”
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
My math teacher called me average.
Now that’s mean!
Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence.
God answers, “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue.”
Adam is excited and asks, “that sounds perfect; what will it cost me?”
“An arm and a leg”
“….what can I get for a rib?”
What do you get a man with the heart of a lion?
A lifetime ban from the zoo.
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end but a beautiful finish.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
What kind of tea is the hardest to swallow?
Reality.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and says, “Ooh, I love how high it is.”
A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time…As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband.
“He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn’t say he loves me enough…”
The wife continues to complain until the counselor finally stands up and tells the wife to stop.
He then says,
“Stand up and walk over to me.”
As soon as she walks over, the counselor grabs her tightly and kisses her passionately.
He then looks over to the husband and says,
“See? That’s all she needs 2-3 times a week to be happy.”
The husband laughs excitedly and says,
“That’s great, doc! I can drop her off every Monday and Wednesday.”
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”
Here are some questions that I have:
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
As I get older, I realize
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
A man is walking home around midnight
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the older man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You are the eighth.”
Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.
One turned to the other and asked – Shall we walk or take a dog?
