I used to be allergic to soap but I’m clean now.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
Here is some advice from Phyllis Diller (a comedian from many years ago):
Whatever you may look like, try to marry a man your own age because as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied,
‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.
The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’ The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness, the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy’s position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”
To which the boy replies, “Now we run like Hell!”
Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A: A pineapple!
Wi-Fi went down during family dinner tonight. One of the kids started talking and I didn’t know who she was.
Don’t you hate it when you pack the family into the VR room for some recreational virtual time travel, and the damn kids keep asking, “Are we then yet?”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a jellyfish? One is a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Comments from George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Save early, save often. Used to refer to how to handle your money. Now it refers to anyone who uses a computer.
Any science or technology which is sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. – Arthur C. Clarke
Any technology that is distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced. – Gregory Benford
Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. – Anonymous
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days I look for my phone while I’m holding it.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some chocolates!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered.
“What is it?” she said.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have the same middle name.
A man walks into a bar and sits on a stool. After being served a beer, the bartender leaves the bar and goes into the back room. The man is alone in the bar, sipping his beer when he hears, “You’re looking pretty good. Have you been working out?” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
He turns back to his beer and hears the voice again, “That’s a nice shirt. It goes well with your pants.” Again the man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
When the bartender returns to the bar, the man says, “The funniest damned thing has been going on. Someone seems to be talking to me, but I can’t see anyone.
“Oh that,” says the bartender. “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”