Adam is in the Garden of Eden and is feeling lonely. So he asks God for someone to share his existence.
God answers, “of course, I can create a being that will support you no matter what you do, provide for you, and never argue.”
Adam is excited and asks, “that sounds perfect; what will it cost me?”
“An arm and a leg”
“….what can I get for a rib?”
What do you get a man with the heart of a lion?
A lifetime ban from the zoo.
A man died after drinking varnish. It was a terrible end but a beautiful finish.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
What kind of tea is the hardest to swallow?
Reality.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
It was a complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and says, “Ooh, I love how high it is.”
A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time…As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband.
“He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn’t say he loves me enough…”
The wife continues to complain until the counselor finally stands up and tells the wife to stop.
He then says,
“Stand up and walk over to me.”
As soon as she walks over, the counselor grabs her tightly and kisses her passionately.
He then looks over to the husband and says,
“See? That’s all she needs 2-3 times a week to be happy.”
The husband laughs excitedly and says,
“That’s great, doc! I can drop her off every Monday and Wednesday.”
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”
Here are some questions that I have:
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
As I get older, I realize
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
A man is walking home around midnight
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the older man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You are the eighth.”
Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.
One turned to the other and asked – Shall we walk or take a dog?
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops
“I was studying frequency in my physics class. Now my brain Hertz.”
Where does bad light end up?
In prism.
Why is electricity an ideal citizen?
Because it conducts itself so well.
Physics is the science where it takes long, complicated equations to explain why round balls roll.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”
I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
Air used to be free at the gas station, and now it’s $1.50. Do you know why?
Inflation.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100. She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
My wife said I was immature. So, I told her to get out of my fort.
I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!
I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!
What do you call a violent breakfast food?
A cereal killer.
