A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor for the first time…As soon as they sit down, the wife starts complaining about the husband. “He never cleans up, he never cooks for the family, and he doesn’t say he loves me enough…” The wife continues to complain until the counselor finally stands up and tells the wife to stop. He then says, “Stand up and walk over to me.” As soon as she walks over, the counselor grabs her tightly and kisses her passionately. He then looks over to the husband and says, “See? That’s all she needs 2-3 times a week to be happy.” The husband laughs excitedly and says, “That’s great, doc! I can drop her off every Monday and Wednesday.”
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?” Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.” Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the older man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You are the eighth.”
Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.
One turned to the other and asked – Shall we walk or take a dog?
A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. “Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?” asks the confused waiter as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. “I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.” The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. “Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”
