A chemist walks into
a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“You mean aspirin?” asked the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word.”
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic
Advisor tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want
to know everything about you.”
The frog is thrilled! “This is great! Will I meet her at a
party?”
Dear God, can you please uninstall 2020 and download it again? It has a virus in it.
Another Bar Joke
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Dad Jokes
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms
overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food,
no atmosphere!
An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines. Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a big part in a play.
All he had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry, the actor decided to take the role.
Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar! The time for the entrance finally came, and as the actor made his appearance, he heard a loud brooooom! He turned around and said, “what the hell was that?
A young driver became lost in a snowstorm. The teenager didn’t panic, however, because he remembered what his dad had once told him. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it.”
Sure enough, pretty soon, a snowplow came by, and
he started to follow it. He followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and
asked the teen what he was doing. And he explained that his dad had told him if
he ever got stuck in a snowstorm, to
follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me
over to Best Buy now?”
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?”
Benefits of being older:
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
A butterfly gets pulled over by the cops for speeding. He hands the cop his driver’s license with a photo of a caterpillar on it. “Sorry, it’s an old picture.”
It is not clear where the concept of Murphy’s Law originated. Some say that the original Murphy’s Law was “If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it.”
The story goes that in 1947, Murphy was involved in a rocket-sled experiment in which all 16 accelerator instruments were installed in the wrong way, resulting in Murphy’s observation. Murphy’s Law is sometimes expressed as “Anything that can go wrong, will — at the worst possible moment.”