Category: Technical Jokes

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic.”

Here are some questions that I have:

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

As I get older, I realize 

• I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop irritating me.
• My people skills are just fine.  It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
• The biggest lie I tell myself is, “I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.”
• I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
• These days, “on time” is when I get there.
• I still haven’t learned to act my age.

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

A man is walking home around midnight

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the older man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You are the eighth.”

Two fleas were walking out of a bar when they discovered it was raining.

One turned to the other and asked – Shall we walk or take a dog?

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops

“I was studying frequency in my physics class. Now my brain Hertz.”

Where does bad light end up?
In prism.

Why is electricity an ideal citizen?
Because it conducts itself so well.

Physics is the science where it takes long, complicated equations to explain why round balls roll.

I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.

Some Bar Jokes

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip??”

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

Air used to be free at the gas station, and now it’s $1.50. Do you know why?
Inflation.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100. She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

My wife said I was immature. So, I told her to get out of my fort.

I used to run a dating service for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet.

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs!

I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!

What do you call a violent breakfast food?
A cereal killer.

Children Are Always Interesting

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
“Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?” asks the confused waiter as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
“I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
“Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots, and leaves.”

An older woman went to a walk-in clinic where a young, new doctor saw her.

After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was.

After she told him what had happened, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to the first doctor.

‘What is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grandchildren! And you told her she was pregnant?! Are you insane?!’