Save early, save often. Used to refer to how to handle your money. Now it refers to anyone who uses a computer.
Any science or technology which is sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from magic. – Arthur C. Clarke
Any technology that is distinguishable from magic is not sufficiently advanced. – Gregory Benford
Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. – Anonymous
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days I look for my phone while I’m holding it.
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held up the box and said, “I bet it’s some chocolates!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held up the box and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
“Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” the boy answered.
“What is it?” she said.
“A puppy!”
Continue reading “Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 43”
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
I don’t enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Continue reading “Technical Jokes and Cartoons – 42”
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have the same middle name.
A man walks into a bar and sits on a stool. After being served a beer, the bartender leaves the bar and goes into the back room. The man is alone in the bar, sipping his beer when he hears, “You’re looking pretty good. Have you been working out?” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
He turns back to his beer and hears the voice again, “That’s a nice shirt. It goes well with your pants.” Again the man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.
When the bartender returns to the bar, the man says, “The funniest damned thing has been going on. Someone seems to be talking to me, but I can’t see anyone.
“Oh that,” says the bartender. “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
Continue reading “Technical Jokes and Cartoons-41”
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.
The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, “There IS a solution!”, and then burns to death.
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Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Continue reading “Technical Jokes and Cartoons-40”
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
Infinity – where no-one can get, but where all lines meet.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
The meaning of opaque is unclear.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Did you know they won’t be making yardsticks any longer?
What is a thesaurus’s favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
A chemistry joke:
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?
A: 2 Na fish.
Continue reading “Technical Jokes and Cartoons-37”Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!”
Here are some silly puns and jokes.
Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!”
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
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